


passed out, ass out

by minty (fulmiinata)



Category: Free!
Genre: Dildos, Emergency room, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Shame, also there's no way this can't be identified as some kind of crack, but im a romantic piece of shit, i tried to be funny???, like rin levels of romantic, no one asked for this but i still wrote it, rin and sousuke are bros4lyfe, rins forever an embarrassment, why is this so long
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-14
Updated: 2014-08-14
Packaged: 2018-02-12 19:02:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2121162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fulmiinata/pseuds/minty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rin gets too intimate with a dildo, Sousuke is a 20 year old grandfather, and Haru is way out of everyone's league.</p><p>(or, the au where sousuke waits for hours in an emergency room because of rin's stupid ass.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	passed out, ass out

**Author's Note:**

> before i begin, lemme just say that rin's theme song in this is "you're the best " by joe esposito

To be honest, Sousuke isn't entirely sure what to expect when Rin texts him at 8:37 on a Friday night. He'd heard his phone chime with a notification, and when he pulls it out the lock screen has a little banner that reads:

**Rin**  
 _um yeah im gonna need u to come to the dorm like right now_

Sousuke rolls his eyes, because Rin is dramatic and excitable and whatever he needs can't possibly be more important than the movie he's getting ready to watch with his cousin, who he hasn't seen since his last year of middle school. The previews have barely started, so he sneaks in a quick reply.

**Me**  
 _What the hell do you want? I'm at the movies._

He doesn't even get to slip the phone back into his jacket when it chimes again.

**Rin**  
 _please i need ur help its important_

Sousuke bites at the fleshy part inside his cheek, annoyed. If Rin is going to send vague text messages demanding his presence, the least he can do is tell him what's going on.

**Me**  
 _I didn't pay 20 bucks to sit down and watch previews you're gonna need to tell me what's happening so I can determine if it's worth my time_

**Rin**  
 _there's a dildo stuck up my ass_

The soda he'd been drinking gets stuck in throat, sliding down the wrong pipe and Sousuke almost chokes to death, but he doesn't, not quite. He's too busy reading the slew of texts that let him know it's finally happened—Rin has finally gotten himself into the deepest shit and it's going to be up to Sousuke to pull him out.

**Rin**  
 _gou has my car i need u to drive me to emergcy room PLS I CANT EGT IT OT_

**Rin**  
 _nd thers no way im textnig her to tak me_

**Rin**  
souske if u are my bestfrind ull hrlp me pls

**Rin**  
 _sousuke_

He's not even mad, or irritated. He's more relieved than anything because at least something like this didn't happen while he was doing something important, like, say, getting married, or maybe even watching the movie he'd been anticipating since the first promotional video came out in January, so it's whatever.

It's whatever.

He stands up, apologizing briefly to his cousin for having to leave, it's kind of an emergency but next weekend for sure they'll hang out, for sure. Sorry. She looks peeved, maybe even a little angry, but whispers that it's fine, at least it means more popcorn and soda for her.

Sousuke takes the soda with him.

 

* * *

 

 

"You couldn't put on any fucking pants?"

It's twenty minutes later when Sousuke bursts through the door of their college dorm, only to find Rin splayed out on his bed, naked from the waist down.

There isn't any one discernible expression on Rin's face apart from _completely fucking done_ , and with his eyes firmly set on the cracked yellowed ceiling he says, "Shut up. Just shut up."

He's flushed and a little breathless, chest still heaving a little from previous activities. Sousuke's pretty relieved to see he at least isn't hard anymore, because sure, Rin's his best friend and this isn't even the first time he's seen partially—if not completely—naked, but this situation doesn't need to be made any worse.

"How the hell did this even happen, you idiot?" he asks, shutting the door and planting a hand over his mouth. As much as he hopes the answer is something along the lines of, "Oh I slipped and fell on this dildo ass-first while getting out of the shower," he already knows exactly how this happened.

Somehow, more blood rushes into Rin's face as he turns to glare at Sousuke. "How do you think? I was jackin' it and decided to shove a dildo up my big gay ass."

Sousuke just nods, hand sliding down to his chin. "That's. Yup. Exactly, exactly what I thought." He jingles the keys between his fingers and turns around to head back out. "Let's go. You're making my angina act up."

"Would you shut the fuck up about that? You have _asthma_ , not angina. God, you're not sixty-five." Rin swings his legs over the edge of the bed. He stands, ready to follow.

"Please put your pants on," Sousuke tells him, without even looking back.

"Fuck y—oh. Yeah. Right." The redhead scans the room before finding the sweats he'd been wearing earlier, boxers still inside, and pulling them on. He's zipping up his hoodie and closing the door behind him when he says, "Hey, Sou?"

"What."

"Drive fast, yeah? It's still vibrating."

Rin is, to say the least, embarrassing.

 

* * *

 

 

There's an unmistakable wave of turning heads when the pair walks through the automatic doors of the emergency room. They don't know, obviously, it's just normal curiosity. Sousuke isn't embarrassed, because he's not the one with a purple vibrating plastic dick trapped in his ass, but he almost feels bad for Rin, who's red from the tips of his ears to well below where the collar of his tank top falls, which is pretty low.

Reluctantly, Sousuke approaches the desk with Rin. There's a young woman behind it, a cute brunette with a button nose and big glasses. She looks up at them cheerily.

"How can I help you?" she asks.

For Sousuke it is very important that he never miss a moment where Rin's dignity is at stake, and the opportunity for him to admit what he's done to this receptionist is golden. With his elbow on the desk for support, Sousuke watches Rin struggle.

The receptionist looks a little surprised when Rin breaks it to her.

"Excuse me?" she asks, nonplussed.

Rin leans in, making sure he's looking dead in those violet eyes of hers. "I'm only gonna say it one more time. I have a vibrating dildo inside my ass."

Sousuke's lips are stretching into a smile, perfectly shaped eyebrows ( _yes_ , he waxes them, okay, and it's a secret he'll take to the grave) rising with every syllable falling out of Rin's mouth. Even if his expression is somewhat unreadable, he's betrayed by the carmine tint in his face. At this point, Sousuke's pretty sure Rin is going to spontaneously combust soon.

With a quick shift of her glasses, the receptionist smiles again, reaching under the desk to pull out a clipboard and pen. Sousuke doesn't miss the quick glance towards him.

"We've definitely had a surge of these cases lately," she says, amused, passing the clipboard over to Rin. "But don't worry, we'll get this fixed real quick. Just fill this out and I'll work on getting someone down here to help you out."

Rin nods, taking the forms and retreating to the seating area. He doesn't sit.

Sousuke lingers for a little, before whispering to the receptionist, "I wasn't involved in this, just by the way."

She shrugs. "What you do with your body is your business."

The emergency room is pretty packed—Fridays must be when everyone decides to throw all caution to the wind and really see how good their health insurance is—and the only available seat by Rin's perch against the wall is right next to another guy, dark haired and scrolling through his phone.

There doesn't seem to be anything visibly wrong with him, and Sousuke wonders if maybe they're in the same boat; offering moral support and a ride for an idiot friend.

"Oi, what's my blood type?" Rin hisses. Sousuke looks at him incredulously.

"How do you expect me to know that when you don't?"

Rin just looks at him expectantly, tapping his pen against the clipboard with little patience.

Sousuke relents. "O negative."

He swears he hears the guy next to him snort.

Surprisingly, it isn't too terribly long before a nurse comes out, calling "Matsuoka Rin."

Rin gets up, taking a few waddling steps toward the nurse when he pauses, looking at Sousuke with some kind of expectation. His eyes shift back and forth between him and the nurse.

Shaking his head vigorously, Sousuke slips out his phone, opening up some app to mess around on. "There's no way in _hell_ I'm going to watch someone extract a vibrator from your anal cavity. Text me when you're done."

Friendship, like all relationships, has boundaries, and as brother-like as theirs may be, Sousuke is not ready to cross that line with Rin. They have yet to build up to that point and if Sousuke has his way, they never will; he has absolutely no idea what a purple dildo coming out of his best friend's ass looks like and he would very much like to keep it that way.

Ignorance is bliss.

There is a lot of waiting that follows, as more people are called in and even more are let out, but Rin isn't among them and so far, neither is the person Sousuke assumes the guy sitting next to him came with. It's either that or he's in here for himself, but unless he too has something shoved into an orifice it does not belong, Sousuke doubts it.

It feels like days have passed, but the clock on his phone tells him it's only been 45 minutes. In that time span, Sousuke has opened and closed every app he has on his phone—even the stupid ones like the calendar and the calculator—twice. He's going to die of boredom and being in the same room as Rin and dildo-extraction team seems more appealing by the second.

How even would they take that out? Stick a hand in there and pull it out, or maybe have one person jump on his stomach while the other stands by waiting to catch it as it flies out like a touchdown pass? Souske shudders involuntarily.

A phone rings, but it's not Sousuke's, because his ring tone is definitely not "Is You Wet Yet?" by Level.

It belongs to the person at his immediate left.

"Hello?" he says, and the first thing Sousuke notices is the smooth baritone of his voice. It's a steady thrum of raindrops on glass, it's a low rumble of waves on the sea, and it's Sousuke cursing himself for having thoughts worthy of a shoujo manga.

Still, when he looks over at the stranger out of the corner of his eye, he notices that, compared to himself at least, he's a little small. He has a lean frame, wiry arms and flat stomach hidden by a hoodie tight enough to make Sousuke swallow. He wonders how a voice worthy of such a big person can come out of someone so... slight. Of course, next to Sousuke, a lot of people are slight. At six foot one and 76 kilograms of hard-earned muscle, it's hard to make him look small.

"I can't go tonight. Makoto had to go to the emergency room and I'm here waiting for him."

Sousuke's ears perk up at the mention of a Makoto. He knows someone by that name in his Psych class—maybe they're the same person.

"He broke his leg. ...Down the stairs."

Snooping is wrong kids, really, but Sousuke isn't so much doing it for the content of the conversation; it's just that this guy has a hot voice. He's trying to look as absorbed in his phone as possible to not give himself away.

"He'll be fine, I'll text you when we leave. Bye." Hot Voice hangs up, tucking the cellphone away. He just sits, drumming his lithe fingers on his thigh (god, he's wearing _skinny jeans_ ) and looking bored, lazily blinking eyes that are what is now Sousuke's favorite shade of blue.

Sousuke, unlike Rin in his elementary school days, has never been a skirt chaser—or pants chaser, unlike Rin in his high school days—but he's not an idiot when it comes to interactions with people you find attractive. Girls and guys alike are always blushing around him, stammering their words and wiping sweaty palms on their pants, while he's always been the type to keep his cool.

Who knew it would take some skinny punk to make him feel this way?

In a move that's almost ballsier (or stupider) than shoving a dildo all the way into your ass without some kind of string attached to the end, Souske looks over at Hot Voice with what he hopes is a gentle smile.

"Missing out?" he asks.

Hot Voice turns to face him, and _fuck_ he's pretty. He has black hair, tinged with a little blue—is it natural?—that's just a little of the long side, bangs falling just slightly into his eyes. Sousuke has to restrain himself from brushing it away like he's in a rom com.

His eyebrows are slightly raised, like he's unsure if Sousuke's talking to him or not.

"Your friends are probably g-going out or something, and you must be, uh, m-missing out." Sousuke stutters like an embarrassment, then clears his throat, "Or something."

The slightly confused look Hot Voice gives him makes Sousuke want to run and hide. He briefly considers the idea.

But then, hallelujah the angels are comin' down glory be, the corners of Hot Voice's twitch upwards just the slightest bit, but it's enough to let Sousuke he hasn't fucked this up completely just yet.

He nods. "Yeah. My housemates wanted to see a movie."

"But you're here because of your friend Makoto?"

"Mm."

"So, um," Sousuke pats the sides of his legs, glancing around the waiting room. He swallows again. "What's... the story? Behind your f-friend." They briefly make eye contact, but Sousuke quickly looks away, at the ceiling, his hands, anywhere but those blue eyes.

Sousuke wants to punch a wall, or himself, when the guy crinkles his nose. It's so _fucking cute,_ how is someone this _cute?_

"Makoto was going downstairs to his room after taking a shower. He didn't pay attention to the clothes he dropped and slipped on his own shirt." Hot Voice lets out a long, tired sigh, the kind that Rin teases Sousuke about because they make him sound like an old man.

"Sounds rough," Sousuke says, brow furrowed.

Hot Voice shrugs, like it's not a big deal. He presses his lips—they look soft they look like girl lips—together very tightly. "He's so clumsy sometimes. Four months ago we came because he needed stitches after breaking a glass table at work."

Sousuke cringes. He's had bad experiences with glass, starting with that time he stepped on a bottle shard at the beach when he was ten. It hurt like a bitch and he couldn't swim for weeks.

"The whole ride here, he was worried because he has a football game Tuesday and 'the team needs me, Haru-chan I can't let them down.' Stupid Makoto."

Football? Hot Voice is living with Tachibana Makoto, the linebacker? The one from Psych? Without him, well, the football team was pretty shit. They did need him that game if they wanted a chance at Championships, but Sousuke doesn't say that—he's pretty sure Hot Voice's aware by now.

Hot Voice—Haru-chan? Haru?—has his arms crossed and looks vaguely annoyed at having to recall Tachibana's accidents.

Sousuke sighs, leaning back in the stiff chair and folding his thick arms behind his head. "My dumbass roommate got a dildo stuck up his butt."

Haru raises an eyebrow. "I heard."

"He couldn't, I don't know, tie a string in the end, or get one that's..." Sousuke feels like vomiting, "Longer? Rin's super smart, but he's also the biggest idiot I know. It was probably just a matter of time before some shit like this happened, though." He sucks on his teeth. "I'm always the one that has to take care of him."

"Makoto takes care of everyone else but himself."

Oh god oh god he's _pouting_ —Sousuke's heart can't take it any longer. His throat is tightening up, heart pounding a drum beat that John Bonham would be proud of. He can't fuck this up, for the love of all that is good in the world he _cannot_ , and if all goes well tonight he's heading home with 87 contacts in his phone instead of 86.

Sousuke clears his throat. "So. You go to Oikawa University, then?"

 _Stupid stupid Sousuke you stupid idiot of_ course _he goes to Oikawa U how could he ask such a stupid question—_

"Yes." Haru says, and he doesn't act like it's a stupid question at all. "Do you?"

"Y-yeah, I'm on athletic scholarship. Actually, Rin and I are, uh, looking at going to the Olympics for swimming."

Haru's eyes light up. His casual slouch straightens up into something more attentive. "You swim?"

Sousuke nods. He wants to smile, huge and stupid, because he's caught his attention he's found them some common ground and hopefully, hopefully this'll go right. "I'm guessing you swim too?"

"I do, but not competitively." Haru says, voice soft. "It's just nice to be in the water."

"I get what you mean," A smile, not huge and not stupid, gently tugs at his lips. "I can actually think, when I swim."

Haru nods.

"Uh. I'm Sousuke. By the way." Sousuke says, last minute. He's the only person included in the conversation that hasn't been identified. "Yamazaki Sousuke."

The corner of Haru's mouth twitches upwards in the cutest half-smile he's ever seen. "Nanase Haruka. I go by Haru most of the time." He holds out his hand, tentatively.

Sousuke takes it, a little surprised by how his huge hand engulfs Haru's smoother, cool one. It's soft, strangely enough, and Sousuke starts to blush when he realizes he's held on for just a little too long. Pulling away, he averts his eyes, folding his hands in his lap.

"Are you okay?" Haru asks, sounding concerned.

"F-fine," Sousuke chokes out. He gulps. "It's hot in here."

Haru blinks those big blue eyes, long lashes almost brushing against his cheeks, and Sousuke is pretty sure this guy is going to send him into cardiac arrest before the night is over.

At least they're already in the ER.

The conversation lulls a bit, until Haru starts to ask Sousuke more about his swimming, and Sousuke replies eagerly, excitedly, then asks Haru about himself in general. He finds out Haru is an art major, specializing in drawing, who loves fish and hats, and is the only one in his house that can make more than cereal. He's been friends with Makoto since kindergarten and his favorite color is dark purple.

Soon enough Sousuke whips out his phone, showing off the embarrassing pics of Rin he's collected over the years ( _never_ forget the maid cafe). When Haru laughs at one of them, albeit quietly and behind his palm, Sousuke thinks it's the cutest fucking thing he's ever witnessed, _he's_ the cutest fucking thing he's ever witnessed.

It's nearly one in the morning when Sousuke's stomach growls a little. He spots a vending machine by the bathrooms.

"I'm gonna grab something to eat. You hungry?" he asks Haru.

He shakes his head, but the faint gurgling of his stomach that follows suggests otherwise.

Sousuke raises an eyebrow at him. "We've been here a while. It's probably good that you eat." Haru shrugs, standing up anyway.

The walk is short and they don't talk, not until Sousuke is pressing the button for a soda and when Haru presses the same one after he grabs it, the display flashes **SOLD OUT.** He deflates a little, moving his finger over to get a bottle of water instead, but Sousuke nudges the can of soda into his hand.

"Here," he says, averting his eyes.

Haru cocks his head a little, taking it wordlessly. He pops open the tab and takes a sip while the other man buys a bag of barbecue chips. Haru watches him with interested eyes, taking in the shift of his back muscles under the blue hoodie he's wearing, the tightness of his gray shirt stretched across his chest. His fingers twitch with the desire to draw him, even if pencil strokes won't do the lines of his body justice.

He's undeniably attractive, and apart from Makoto, is the only person to coax out more than four words out of him at a time.

Haru leans against the vending machine, gaze still trained on Sousuke eating his chips, who's looking out the window directly across from them. Crunching is the only sound between them.

Haru's halfway done with his soda when he sneaks another glance to his left, and finds himself meeting Sousuke's own eyes. Involuntarily, pink drips out onto his cheeks, but he doesn't look away, he keeps looking into Sousuke's eyes, as he crumples the bag in his hand, as he moves in closer, as he presses his warm lips over Haru's.

His body nearly envelops Haru, pressed against the vending machine, a hand placed near his shoulder while the other settles on his hip, still holding the chip bag. Internally, he's screaming, hyperventilating, and socking himself in the face over and over because _why_ would he choose to do this _why_ did he think this would be a good idea he isn't in some romantic comedy Sousuke you _fucker_ you've been hanging with Rin too much this is bad this is _crazy—_

He brushes his tongue over Haru's plush bottom lip, getting a little trace of lemon-lime soda.

Quick as a hiccup Sousuke practically leaps away, a furious red. His eyes are wide and he's actually sweating a bit he's panicking he wants to run away but he doesn't get to because Haru—also blushing something awful—asks him, "Why...?"

Sousuke briefly wonders if it's possible for your heart to break your ribs. "Uh, um, I-I just... I wanted—" he gulps for the millionth time that day, "I wanted a taste of my soda." he finishes, weakly.

 _Yeah, good save you bonehead_. At this rate, he's giving Rin a run for his money.

Haru turns such a deep red that Sousuke gets concerned if there is any blood left for the rest of his body. He turns his head to the side, mumbling, "You could've just asked."

"That wouldn't have been as fun," Sousuke blurts. "Or, I mean—"

A hand grabs the front of his shirt, pulling him down for another kiss. This one is a little more urgent, a little more awkward, because their lips crash together too hard and there's a clack of teeth, but they make it work. Sousuke relaxes, eyes slipping closed, reaching up to thread his fingers through Haru's black hair, realizing that yeah, it is as soft as it looks, and pulling him closer by the small of his back. He sighs.

There's a little bit of a smack when they separate, and Haru looks up at him with mischievous eyes.

" _That's_ how you kiss, idiot."

Sousuke looks at him incredulously. "So you're supposed to bite through my lip?" he says, teasing.

Haru punches him lightly in the shoulder. "I was better than you."

"Oh yeah?" Sousuke leans in real close, warm breath caressing Haru's face. "Prove it."

"Would you quit being gross? We've been waiting here forever."

Rin, looking a little scruffy and holding an opaque plastic bag, is standing a few feet away, tapping his foot impatiently. Next to him is Tachibana, on crutches, leg wrapped up in a pink cast. He's smiling bashfully, ears tinged with red.

"How long were you there?" Sousuke asks.

"Long enough to see you try and suck the soda out of this guy's mouth." Rin answers, his laugh revealing two rows of pointed teeth.

"We were going to say something earlier, but you two seemed really into it..." Tachibana adds.

"I can't believe you would engage in such unholy activities, Sousuke," Rin continues to tease.

"You aren't allowed to say anything, Rin, not after what you did to get yourself here," Sousuke retaliates, narrowing his eyes at the redhead.

"Sh-shut up!"

"Makoto," Haru peels himself off the vending machine, walking over to Tachibana's side. He scrutinizes the leg cast, biting his lip. "How do you feel?"

The brunet smiles reassuringly. "I'm okay, Haru-chan. It doesn't hurt, I promise."

"Anyways," Rin is looking more impatient than ever, tiredness settling into his face. "I think it's time we get going, because it's almost one-thirty and I'm fucking exhausted."

The others agree, ambling towards the doors in a strange little pack. They slide open, Rin and Makoto the first ones out while Haru and Sousuke linger.

"So. Um." Sousuke rubs at the nape of his neck self consciously. "Since we both kinda missed out on seeing a movie tonight, what do you say we go together? Sometime next week?" Teeth dig into his lips as he waits for a response.

Haru smiles a little, nodding. "Yeah, that sounds nice."

Sousuke goes home with 87 contacts in his phone, instead of 86.

**Author's Note:**

> you can pinpoint the exact moment where this stopped being funny and started being cheesy tbh
> 
> im a mess please don't look at me


End file.
